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[casi] "U.S. Forms Own U.N." - the U.S.U.N.

A touch of the Onion...


26 MARCH 2003

U.S. Forms Own U.N.

WASHINGTON, DC -- Frustrated with the United Nations'
"consistent, blatant regard for the will of its 188
member nations," the U.S. announced Monday the formation
of its own international governing body, the U.S.U.N.

Above: The U.S. and U.S. delegations.

"The U.N. has repeatedly demonstrated an inability to
act decisively in carrying out actions the U.S.
government deems necessary," U.S.U.N. Secretary General
Colin Powell said. "Every time we tried to get something
accomplished, it inevitably got bogged down in
procedural policies, bureaucratic formalities, and
Security Council votes."

"I predict the U.S.U.N. will be extremely influential in
world politics in the coming decades," Powell continued.
"In fact, you can count on it."

The new organization will be based in Houston, where a
$400 million U.S.U.N. Building is currently under
construction. The U.S.U.N. Charter, ratified unanimously
by delegates in a four-minute vote Monday, sets forth
the mission of the organization as "the proliferation of
peace and international economic, social, and
humanitarian progress through deference to the U.S."

"The U.S.U.N. resembles the original in almost every
way, right down to all the flags outside our
headquarters," said Condoleezza Rice, a U.S. delegate to
the U.S.U.N. "This organization will carry out
peacekeeping missions all over the world, but, unlike
the U.N., these missions will not be compromised by the
threat of opposition by lesser nations."

In its first act, the U.S.U.N. Security Council
unanimously backed a resolution to liberate Iraq's
people and natural resources from the rule of
Saddam Hussein.

"We gave the old U.N. a go for I don't know how many
years, but it just wasn't working," said Dick Cheney, a
U.S. delegate to the U.S.U.N. "Really, I have no idea
what we were doing sacrificing all that power and
autonomy in exchange for a couple of lousy troops from
New Zealand."

Added Cheney: "I can't tell you how much easier it is to
achieve consensus when you don't have to worry about

Cheney, along with Rice, Donald Rumsfeld, Tom Ridge, and
George W. Bush, make up the five permanent members of
the 15-person U.S.U.N. Security Council.

"The five Security Council members have veto power to
block U.S.U.N. resolutions for military action,"
Rumsfeld said. "Not that anyone would, but it's nice to
have, nonetheless."

According to Powell, in spite of the fact that delegates
hail from every corner of the U.S., General Assembly
meetings have been refreshingly free of rancor.

"We've got Bill Frist from Tennessee, Tom DeLay from
Texas, and Dennis Hastert from way up in Illinois,"
U.S.U.N. delegate Rick Santorum said. "Despite the
diverse backgrounds of the delegates, cooperation has
not been a problem--unlike at some outmoded,
gridlocked international peacekeeping bodies I could

The official U.S.U.N. language is English. The official
religion is Christianity.

¸ [21]Copyright 2003, Onion, Inc. All rights reserved.

The Onion© is not intended for readers under 18 years of age.

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