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Clinton Cancels Christmas

From: Ramsey Kysia <>

*please distribute freely*


WASHINGTON DC, Dec. 16-In a widely anticipated move, President Clinton
declared today that Christmas would again be canceled this year in Iraq.
Speaking at a White House Press Conference with Secretary of Defense Bill
Cohen, the President said, "I know the kids will be disappointed, you
know-I really feel for them-but we can't let Saddam Hussein get his hands
on these toys. Remember, Saddam and Hitler both have funny mustaches, that
isn't be just a coincidence. We are working on a plan with the British to
airlift some old Cabbage Patch dolls, but we'll just have to see."
Secretary Cohen berated Santa Claus, saying, "He may mean well, but,
frankly, the man is naive. He's just playing into Saddam's hands." Holding
up a five-pound bag of Pokèmon games and trading cards, Cohen said, "Look,
if Saddam were to mix this with all the Depleted Uranium we've bombed Iraq
with over the years, he would have enough radioactive toys to poison every
man, woman and child in the whole world. If Santa thinks he can just hand
this stuff over to Iraq, he's sadly mistaken. The No-Fly-Zones are there
to protect the Iraqi people, and anyone violating them-be it Saddam or
Santa-will be shot down." 

In a related briefing at the State Department, Spokesperson James Rubin
said, "It's all Saddam's fault, it's all Saddam's fault, Saddam, Saddam,
Saddam, Saddam," before falling to the floor frothing at the mouth. Later,
speaking before a group of constituents at AIPAC, Secretary of State
Madeline Albright said, "Remember, the Sanctions have only been in place
for nine years, and they've only killed a little over 1,000,000 people.
There are over 20,000,000 people in Iraq. Give this a little time, and
we're bound to get Saddam sooner or later. You have to see farther than
some dead babies. America is the one indispensable nation. Iraq? Iraq is
definitely dispensable." 

Santa Claus was unavailable for comment, but a North Pole press release
stated that Christmas was, quote, "for everyone." 

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