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From: Ramsey Kysia <Ramsey.Kysia@leb.net> *please distribute freely* CLINTON CANCELS CHRISTMAS WASHINGTON DC, Dec. 16-In a widely anticipated move, President Clinton declared today that Christmas would again be canceled this year in Iraq. Speaking at a White House Press Conference with Secretary of Defense Bill Cohen, the President said, "I know the kids will be disappointed, you know-I really feel for them-but we can't let Saddam Hussein get his hands on these toys. Remember, Saddam and Hitler both have funny mustaches, that isn't be just a coincidence. We are working on a plan with the British to airlift some old Cabbage Patch dolls, but we'll just have to see." Secretary Cohen berated Santa Claus, saying, "He may mean well, but, frankly, the man is naive. He's just playing into Saddam's hands." Holding up a five-pound bag of Pokèmon games and trading cards, Cohen said, "Look, if Saddam were to mix this with all the Depleted Uranium we've bombed Iraq with over the years, he would have enough radioactive toys to poison every man, woman and child in the whole world. If Santa thinks he can just hand this stuff over to Iraq, he's sadly mistaken. The No-Fly-Zones are there to protect the Iraqi people, and anyone violating them-be it Saddam or Santa-will be shot down." In a related briefing at the State Department, Spokesperson James Rubin said, "It's all Saddam's fault, it's all Saddam's fault, Saddam, Saddam, Saddam, Saddam," before falling to the floor frothing at the mouth. Later, speaking before a group of constituents at AIPAC, Secretary of State Madeline Albright said, "Remember, the Sanctions have only been in place for nine years, and they've only killed a little over 1,000,000 people. There are over 20,000,000 people in Iraq. Give this a little time, and we're bound to get Saddam sooner or later. You have to see farther than some dead babies. America is the one indispensable nation. Iraq? Iraq is definitely dispensable." Santa Claus was unavailable for comment, but a North Pole press release stated that Christmas was, quote, "for everyone." -- ----------------------------------------------------------------------- This is a discussion list run by the Campaign Against Sanctions on Iraq For removal from list, email firstname.lastname@example.org Full archive and list instructions are available from the CASI website: http://welcome.to/casi